


DISCONTINUED—You’ll Never be What’s in Your Heart

by lamourcestlamour



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, MWPP, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Sad, Self-Harm, The Prank, trigger warning, triggering, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-08-23 08:29:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16615481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lamourcestlamour/pseuds/lamourcestlamour
Summary: A story of love, loss, and the true meaning of them both.Heavily inspired by Little Lion Man by Mumford & SonsTrigger Warning





	1. The Day Before (Prologue)

The day before, Sirius Black had decided that he was finally alright.

For the first time in his life, Sirius felt like things had actually berin looking up for him; that he might possibly be able to be happy. Yes, Sirius was okay at that moment. How could he not be? Everything was perfect. The common room was empty save for the Marauders, and Sirius was the only one of them still awake.

Peter had fallen asleep studying for the Potions test that he was bound to fail because, let's be honest, Peter was absolutely _rubbish_ at potions. (Even more so than Remus, and Remus had once managed to melt his entire cauldron and his half of the table before Slughorn could contain whatever 'potion' he had concocted.) James had fallen asleep, glasses askew, on one of the comfy chairs beside the sofa in the Gryffindor common room after pining after Evans for an hour and a half. That left just him and Remus, who were residing on the sofa in front of the fireplace. Remus had dropped his head on Sirius' shoulder about forty minutes before and was snoring softly. Sirius had leaned his cheek against the top of taller boy's head. He never wanted to move from this position. 

It was all so simple that Sirius felt like he was just any other teen and not a complete and utter disappointment of a son. Like he wasn't a fifteen year old forced to have the emotional maturity of a fifty year old. It reminded Sirius that he was here, and this was real; that he had friends that loved him and wanted to spend time with him.

Sirius has always been the last one awake, although most of the time Remus only fell asleep about twenty minutes before Sirius did. At first, it was because he felt too vulnerable when he closed his eyes. He felt like at any second he would feel the familiar sting of the Cruciatus curse, and not be able to move for hours. After years of being hexed for not paying attention, or for just closing his eyes in the middle of the day, Sirius grew very weary of sleeping in front of others. He knew that none of the Marauders would hit him with a unforgivable (pranking was completely different, however), he knew he was being silly, but it was nearly impossible to not get anxious about dozing off. He finally managed to get better throughout the years, as he is rarely around his own parents anymore. Now, Sirius liked being the last one awake because he could observe how beautiful Remus was without fear of anyone catching him.

Sirius could look at the delicate, pale eyelashes, and the slightly chapped lips that were open the tiniest bit, showing Remus' naturally straight teeth. He could observe the bigger details, like the fact that Remus' face lightly flushed when he was sleeping, so his cheeks and nose, and the freckles that were littered across them, had a rosy tint that you could only see if you tried to— and Sirius was trying to. He could memorize the curve of Remus' nose and the sharpness of his jawline and cheekbones, just the beautifully proportionate face structure. He could finally tuck the curl that managed to fall on Remus' forehead at the beginning of the day behind Remus' ear for him as long as he did it so delicately that he didn't cause the werewolf to stir.

He knew it was rather creepy, but Remus just looked so damn pretty when he slept, and watching him sleep made Sirius feel like Remus was his, like he and Remus were a married couple that got to fall asleep and wake up to each other every morning. It gave Sirius a rush of euphoria and peace, and he wanted so badly to be able to hold that feeling forever.

 

* * *

 

 

The day before, Sirius Black had decided that he was finally going to tell Remus how he felt— he just wasn't quite sure how exactly that was yet though.

He was painfully aware of how his cheeks slightly flushed every time Remus smirked at him after he'd made one of his infamous sarcastic remarks. In fact, the first time Sirius' feelings shifted from platonic to something more was very memorable in his eyes. It was third year when it happened. He remembers James droning on about Lily, and Remus coming up with one of his wittiest remarks to date. Remus, like usual, had his nose tucked into a book, but then the book leaned down and Remus was smirking at Sirius. His own reaction was embarrassing, and he hated thinking about how that smirk had made him retreat to the bathroom for a second to think about unpleasant things such as his grandmother naked. Sirius has liked to argue to himself since then that things have gotten a lot more under control, as now most of the blood flows to his cheeks and not to— well, a lower part of his body.

Sirius also knew of how his heartbeat quickened every time Remus reached for something causing his shirt to ride up slightly, revealing his ever-so-perfectly flat stomach. Sometimes when it was hot, Remus would leave his robes in the common room, and undo his tie, leaving it to hang loosely around his neck. He'd have the first few buttons of his shirt undone, and his sleeves rolled up. Those were the days when Sirius was quietest, as he couldn't look up for too long without wanted to instantly hound Remus with confessions of his undying love.

He was familiar with the feelings of desire to hold Moony's hand and steal kisses between classes. He was also no stranger to the urge to take Moony to Hogsmead and buy him all of the chocolate the village had to offer, to wear Remus' jumpers, and to give Remus his leather jacket everytime he got cold. The thing Sirius was most painfully aware of, however, was that these things that he felt toward his friend were things that a normal fifteen year old wouldn't.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The day before, Sirius Black had decided that he needed to figure out when the best time to tell Moony that he had not-so-normal feelings for him would be.

He knew that it needed to be soon, as he wasn't sure he could last much longer without spontaneously combusting. Sirius was scared, though, because he had absolutely no idea how Remus would react, and Sirius knew that he wouldn't be able to handle ruining his friendship with Remus. It was nearly the end of fifth year, so he'd have around two more years of constant contact with Remus if things went awry. Not to mention, if things became awkward with him and Remus, then things would be awkward with all of the Marauders, and he’d lose the first true friends he’d ever had. Sirius knew how much of a risk it was to confess his feelings for his younger mate; he couldn't stand the idea of ruining the dynamics of the Marauders. Sirius was uncomfortable with the thoughts of his friends picking sides between Remus and himself, as he knew that James would probably pick him, and Peter would follow, leaving Remus alone. But the thing was, Sirius _had_ to do this, so he might as well be prepared with the whens and hows.

He’d thought about coming clean while Moony was in the hospital wing, so he couldn't escape, but figured that he shouldn't put that kind of stress on Remus immediately after a full moon. Remus also wasn't the most pleasant person for a few days before or after a full moon, although no one could honestly blame him for that.

He’d thought of enchanting the stars on the ceiling of the great hall to ask Remus out, but decided that it was seemingly impossible and tried again. Sirius may have been decent at transfiguration, but he figured that it wasn't the most rock-solid plan he could come up with. There were too many variables with that idea.

Sirius was so desperate that he even began ponderingthe idea of writing Remus a sappy love letter, but then again, that didn't fit his punk rock aesthetic. (Although, Sirius wasn't sure how dating a bloke would fit into that aesthetic either, but when the bloke in question was Remus Lupin, Sirius decided it was worth risking. Besides, Remus was totally punk rock, no matter how much he refuses to say so.)

  After brainstorming for at least an hour, Sirius finally concluded that he would just talk to Remus alone like a normal person would. Honestly, how hard could that be? Sirius and Remus had had plenty of —intense conversations, if you will. The worst that could happen would be Remus freaking out and then the whole group would be fucked. Yeah, how hard could it be?

 

* * *

 

The day before, Sirius Black had decided that he needed to stop cutting.

Sirius recognized that this was probably easier said than done, but he also recognized that it needed to be done. Sirius had his reasons to stop anyways, it wasn't like it was a spur of the moment decision, it was more of a 'i've needed to do this for years, but i think today's finally the day' type of decision.

For starters, Sirius didn't want to worry Moony about problems as mundane as his own when Moony was a fucking werewolf and still on this earth. He knew that if things went okay when he admitted his feelings to the lovely Moony, eventually there might be an instance where Sirius can't wear sleeves or trousers, and if one should arise, he didn't want there to be any fresh cuts. The previous scars would always be there, there wasn't a spell on earth that could get rid of them as far as Sirius was aware, but he didn't want to raise concern about new cuts.

Sirius also figured that it would be nice to be able to get undressed, or wear shorter clothing rather, around anyone, not just Moony. He knew that he couldn't very well just run around with fresh cuts on his arms though. Sirius just missed going to the pool, or being able to roll up his sleeves during the summer or just on a regular school day in concentration. He also wanted share clothes with Moony all of the time, but he couldn't do that if he didn't stop cutting. You can't just expect people to ignore giant cuts on your arm and not ask how they got there.

* * *

 

The day before, Sirius Black had finally begun to get his life in order.


	2. Part 1

From the moment he wakes up, Remus knows that this is going to be a particularly bad full moon. He has a high fever, his pupils are more like slits than circles, his teeth are sharper, and his senses are scarily heightened. As he and his friends start toward the great hall for breakfast he can hear a lull of hushed voices, and he can smell each individual type of food that is a part of the spread this morning. He looks at his friends to see if they can smell the deliciousness, but they don’t show any indication that they can smell the fresh treacle tarts or beans. Remus sniffs the air again and he whimpers— well, it’s less so him than the wolf— desperate to finally eat something after two days of running on empty. But, the mostly human brain that’s controlling Remus knows that eating is a bad idea. Remus has figured out that not eating helps to suppress the wolf when he’s in his full form, even though it might make the PWS or Pre-wolf Syndrome, as James likes to call it, worse. Sometimes, however, it makes the PWS and actual transformation both worse. Remus has figured that today is going to be one of those times, but he thinks about how it’s been two whole days since he’s eaten last, and maybe if he could keep it going until the full moon it won’t be that bad.

 

Sirius casts a worried eye at Remus when this whimper escapes from the back of his throat, and Remus knows why. He’s not really a whimpering type; he doesn’t tend to complain about much, and typically keeps quiet about what he wants. Whenever he’s going to have a bad full moon, however, he tends to— engage in— some very wolflike noises such as whimpering when he wants something or growling when he doesn’t. It’s not something he can control, and sometimes he thinks it’s the bane of his existence. (Especially at times when he is trying to fast and the wolf lets out a whimpering at the first whiff of food.)

 

When they actually make it to the great hall Remus can feel himself drooling, but he still just stares at his untouched plate. Sirius casts another look in his direction, catching his eyes, but Remus quickly looks away. Apparently his looking away didn’t scare Sirius off from speaking up about Remus’ eating, or rather, his lackthereof. 

“Hey, Rem, you seemed to be awfully anxious to get in here earlier, why aren’t you eating anything?”

Remus doesn’t dare meet Sirius’s eyes as he gives his excuse,

“actually, Pads, my senses are rather— overbearing at the moment, and I can smell so much that it’s making me sick to my stomach. I wasn’t anxious to get in here, I was anxious to have to be so close to the smells.”

 

Remus hates that he has to lie to his best friends, Sirius in particular because he’s always been a very openly compassionate person, much like dog, Remus thinks. But, it’s not that Remus wants to lie, it’s that he physically cannot bring himself to tell the truth about his behaviors. Besides, there’s nothing really wrong with what he’s doing. They starve and beat the homeless werewolves at the ministry to suppress their wolfness, so what’s wrong with him doing it himself? 

 

Sirius looks him up and down again before nodding his head and turning to Peter, but Remus knows he’s having trouble buying another one of his excuses. It is the 7th one in a matter of three days, with today being the third. Remus catches his eyes wandering from his food to his best friend who is now laughing at something Pete has just said. Remus can’t help but feel sorry and weirdly connected to Sirius at the moment.

 

Sirius is one of, if not the most, caring people Remus has ever known in his entire life. He would do anything for his friends, and he has this sort of hero complex that he tries to hide, but slips out at times. For example: whenever he came up with the idea to become animagi in order to save remus from himself during transitions.You see, Sirius Black tries so hard to be different from his family, and really, he is. He was sorted into gryffindor, he hangs out with halfbloods and muggleborns, he’s actually kind, he grew out his hair and lets it hang in a ‘i just rolled out of bed style’, and he wears vintage rock n’ roll clothing that nobody but Sirius Black could pull off. The only problem was his actual appearance. Sirius’s hair, while wild, was thin, dark, and shiny. It was slightly wavy, not curly like Remus’, or straight like James and Peter’s, but an even mix of the two that made it perfectly bouncy. His eyes, framed by dark, curly eyelashes, were as gray as the murky fog that enclosed the castle on cold winter nights, and he could use them to pierce or enchant someone if he so desired to. His face structure was as symmetrical as can be, with his high cheekbones, and a jawline so sharp it could cut through the treacle tart he was currently munching on. his nose was perfectly curved and buttonlike— it had no bump whenever you looked at it from the side. So even if Sirius’s clothing and personality didn’t match his family’s, his face and hair screamed his place in the ravishingly aristocratic Black family. Realistically speaking, if you looked at him from the back you would never notice that Sirius Black was from a family of noble prestige, but, when he turns around you are so caught off-guard that it can actually leave you breathless. Remus should know, he had experienced it firsthand.

 

Remus also knows that Sirius Black is very good at hiding his emotions. He can laugh along with everyone else, but Remus knows that most of the time he’s faking. You can see it in his icy eyes, the fear, the sadness. Remus can see both in the eyes that are now looking back at his own. He knows that Sirius can tell something is wrong, and the wolf growls unhappily.

 

No matter how much he loves Sirius, Remus knows that this is the one thing he can’t let be taken away from him. This is the one thing in his life that he can control, the one thing in his life that seems to be helping with his lycanthropy, and to give that all up would be like giving up his life entirely. he has coped like this for over 3 years, so much so that he can’t even remember not living like this, not being in a constant state of hunger. Remus assumes that he will never know what it would be like again. To imagine a world where he isn’t fasting in order to suppress the wolf is like imagining a world where he doesn’t have lycanthropy at all, so Remus decides it’s best to not even attempt to. Besides, what harm could a little suppression of lycanthropy do to a person, he’s doing himself and all of the people at the school a favor by limiting his energy as a werewolf. Remus decides that what he’s doing isn’t just okay, but that it should be implored. He’s doing the world a favor, how could that ever be frowned upon.


	3. Part 2

      It’s Sirius’ 3rd class of the day when Madam Pomfrey whisks Remus away to prepare for the full moon later on tonight. Well, to say she whisks him away would require her to be there, but Remus always leaves on his own. Sirius never understood why he leaves so early in the day sometimes, but much later others. He feels it’s a rather personal question to ask Remus, and it’s not like they hadn’t had personal conversations before, but emotions are just a tad complicated when it comes to the lycanthrope. Sometimes, Remus comes nearly crying to Sirius, but others, Sirius can hardly get a word that means anything out of his Moony. That has hurt his feelings on multiple occasions, but he’s learned to give Remus some privacy to deal with his own thoughts.He appreciates when Remus does the same for him, but Sirius feels it’s difficult to leave Remus alone when he’s hurting. Because of his strong feelings for the taller boy, Sirius has a nearly uncontrollable urge to protect him in any way, shape, or form that he can, and he feels like talking to him about his feelings are one of the ways to take care of Remus.

      Sirius’ eyes follow the werewolf as he leaves  the room soundlessly, without bothering to say a word to the professor. Sirius has always, and continues to assume that the teachers are well aware of the full moon days, and are promptly forced to allow Remus to leave whenever he feels it necessary on said days. Sometimes, Sirius selfishly wishes he were the lycanthrope, able to leave such boring classes, like the one he is in currently, early every month if only once. Yes, sometimes Sirius catches himself desiring this and immediately shuts his brain off of that train of thought. After seeing the effects that lycanthropy has on a person first hand, Sirius would never, could never, wish it upon his enemy, let alone desire to have it for himself. Other times Sirius believes he deserves to have lycanthropy. He certainly doesn’t believe that Remus, the one who actually suffers it, deserves it in the slightest. Remus has never done anything so wrong to deserve such a fate.

      If anyone deserves lycanthropy, it would be Remus’ dad, Lyall Lupin, who said that werewolves were scum, and brought this fate upon his own child. Sirius believes that Lyall Lupin is as evil as his own mother, just in a much friendlier facade. The man hasn’t spoken a word to his son since he was bit at 5, and even once tried to kill him whilst he was sleeping. Sirius supposes he’s alright with Remus’ dad not talking to him, as he feels that Lyall shouldn’t have the pleasure of talking to his son, the most amazing person that Sirius has ever met, and he’s met Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore for Merlin’s sake.

     Sirius is so far into his own thoughts that he doesn’t even register everyone in the classroom getting up and leaving for lunch until James waves a hand in front of his face.

    “You good there mate,” James’ amused expression gives away any sort of fake concern in his voice. “you look a bit, ruff!” he wriggles his eyebrows at the first word before laughing out loud to himself.

   It took laughing from behind him for Sirius to even notice that Peter was there too. “I’m paw-sitively perfect, deer” Sirius mussed up as close to his signature smirk as he possibly could before he started walking towards the doors.

      James and Peter’s laughs were ringing in his ears as they walked through the corridors towards the Great Hall. Their voices were practically floating behind him as they continued walking, and Sirius couldn’t figure out what was so wrong about today. He felt guilty, although he hadn’t really done anything besides throw a dungbomb up the girl’s dormitory stairs when Lily Evans declined James for the thousandth time, but he did that all of the time without worry. He felt angry, although he had nothing to be angry about in particular. Sirius assumes it’s part of his overwhelming urges to protect Remus, because now he’s gone, off to serve a sentence for being the child of an awful man. Something just feels off about the day.

        Sirius gets back into the groove of the conversation as they enter the gargantuan oak doors of the Great Hall. He sits in his usual spot, facing the Slytherin tables so he’s able to keep an eye on Regulus. The seat beside him is normally filled with the mess of soft jumpers and curly hair that make up Remus Lupin, but it shall remain empty today, and maybe even the next few days depending on how bad the night decides to treat Moony. James sits in front of him and Pete sits in front of Remus, making it perfect to discuss prank plans, or anything else they deem necessary to share.

       Sirius watches James and Peter continue their very animated conversation, but tunes it out, opting for his own thoughts instead. He thinks about his friends, about how much they mean to him. He thinks about how he wouldn’t be alive today if it weren’t for James, Peter, and Remus.

       Suddenly, James and Peter’s conversation drops, and looks of pure disgust wash over their previously lively faces. Sirius follows their eyes to the seat beside him and catches a whiff of not the usual honey, chocolate, and parchment that fills that area, but instead a strong smell of onions that could only belong to—

    “Snivellous.” James speaks up in a downright nasty tone.

     “Shut your mouth, Potter, I didn’t come to talk to you.” Snape’s voice was deep now that he was fifteen, and ever so condescending. He leaned forward and started speaking quietly into Sirius’ ear, a Sirius that was about to turn away and pretend that nothing was talking to him, until he heard a name that he couldn’t turn away from.

“You know, I had a free period last period, and I was walking outside in the grounds, when I noticed a peculiar sight. It would seem, that on this day of the waxing full moon, your boyfriend, Lupin, was being escorted towards the Shrieking Shack by none other than our own Madame Pomfrey. Now, I’m not one for drawing conclusions, but it just seems a bit odd to me that every month on the full moon Lupin leaves classes early, only to be seen the next day with another scar on himself somewhere.” Sirius was furious to say the least.

“It’s none of your damn business Snivellous” Sirius made sure to spit extra poison into the name.

A loud noise suddenly erupted as Lily Evans started throwing hexes his way, hexes he could only assume to be for James Potter. Everyone started fleeing, as more flashes and bangs went off in the crowded Hall. Snape began sliding away when an idea popped into Sirius’ mind.

“Hey Sevy! You want to know so badly? There’s a knot on the tree trunk of the Whomping Willow. Prod that with a long stick and you’ll be able to see for yourself what goes on with Remus!” Sirius started laughing then, he could feel his anger pulsing in his veins as the commotion around him stops and James Potter is on the ground, skin and hair turning a lovely shade of blue.

Sirius couldn’t wait to tell James. This might be the best prank he’s pulled yet.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize in advance, for this book might switch between past and present tense because I have a lot of trouble staying in one. This is also my first time writing on AO3, so I hope it’s not too bad. Much love


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